Catch up. Two exams. Four homework assignments. A project here and there. Work three times a week. Meetings on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday. Making dinner. Grocery shopping. Laundry. Trying to get to bed on time, but going to bed at 1:00am. Constant motion. Then, a trigger. A song, a sad smile, a beautiful day. Then, reality. My life has been forever changed. Oh, what I would give to go back to school being my biggest struggle. Instead of this huge black mark on my life. Instead of people looking at me differently because of it. Instead of the random breakdowns when I thought I was fine. Instead of things that I normally wouldn’t notice causing me to remember. I can ignore it most of the time. But at least once a day, there is a trigger. Finding a paint stain on one of my shirts and knowing it was her. Remembering the fact that I won’t get to see her beautiful smile again. Noticing my eyebrows are slacking, and knowing she will never climb on top of me to fix them for me.
That’s what has been going on with me. Constant struggle to the return of normal. But nothing is normal any more. Everything has changed.
People calling me full of grace, courageous, faithful. I am flattered of course, and so so thankful for everyone. But I am just living. I still break down all the time. It still hurts. I just don’t enjoy doing it to others, because I don’t want them to hurt because of me. I just want to be treated normal, because I don’t want a reminder that I am not anymore. I am the girl whose sister died. Everyone’s worst fear. My worst fear. I know this strength isn’t from me. As you have read before, I would crumple. I would not go on. But because of this force that could only be my faith and trust in God, I am still going. Still standing. Still test taking. Making my meetings. Working. Talking. Laughing. Remembering.
One day at a time. One test at a time. One memory at a time.
**Shout out to my little sister, Ken, who just had her 18th birthday. I have loved watching you grow into the wonderfully independent woman you are. You never fail to crack me up. You are beautiful, physically and mentally. Wish I could be home with you. Love you <3