Purdue makes it easy. Easy to keep going. To move on. To not think about it. She was never here. Visited twice in my 2.5 years here. She wasn’t a part of my life. Other than the random phone calls about getting my clothes from her or trying to get her here. I made these friends on my own. Made this my home away from home. Was independent here for the first time in my life. Completely detached from my other half.
It will be so hard to go back. When Christmas comes. To go back. To all the areas in my life she touched. Hanging out with grade school friends. Ryane was always there. Hanging out with high school friends. Ryane was there. Being in my house. Ryane there. Christmas morning. Ryane. We shared rooms. Friends. Our whole lives have been tangled together up until college. How do I go back without her? I don’t know if I can.
It hurts so much. When I see something and I know the only person who would understand is Ryane. When I want to vent about someone from our past and now there is no one. No one who understands exactly what I am going to say before I say it. No one who reads people as well as we both do. No one with the exact same mind. She was the one person I could take criticism from because I knew she knew me. She knew when I was just talking to vent or when I was being mean. She knew when I was overreacting. She knew my soul as I knew hers.
Yes. This Christmas is going to be hard. Very hard. The Christmas music is hard. Looking at the matching ugly xmas sweaters we bought together is hard. Finding the value in presents now that someone of value is gone. I can’t wait to ignore the fact that someone is missing on Christmas day. To try to be joyful, when there is so much sadness. So much lost in one split second. The Before. And now the After. Everything from now on is the After. It has been 60 days since the After.
….Yesterday was our half birthday, six months until our 21st. Happy half-Birthday to us.