It has been 18 days since my sister passed away. Eighteen days since I heard her laugh, saw her smile, or watched her walk through the door. Eighteen days of me thinking of the future without her. My kids not knowing her. Only being able to show them pictures and dumb videos from when we were 20 years old. Going through our 21st birthday in 7 months without her. Not going on the trip to Paris we planned for our Golden Birthday when we turned 30. Not having someone to talk to about all of our inside jokes, including when we learned the beat it dance together for stage crew or made up a five minute long hand shake with all the coolest parts of the handshakes we researched. I will no longer get to call her at random to tell her that I have Birk’s tan lines on my feet (she would be the only one impressed by that). Or someone who always insisted that my glasses were who I was, and I should always wear them. Eighteen days of being a family of five, instead of six. Eighteen days without knowing my twin sister is somewhere out in the world living life.
I have obviously been trying to figure out what she is up too. I know heaven is timeless. That blows my mind. I know that when I get there it will feel like we were never apart for her. I know me and everyone she left behind will get to feel her absence for the next years of our life. It is our burden, not hers. I was struggling with the thought that she could feel the grief. She was watching us suffering, and she was suffering because of this. But in heaven, there is no grief. No misery. Only pure love and joy. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” (Revelation 21:4). This means it’s pointless for me to be upset with her, because when I die, and (hopefully) make it to heaven, all those feels are gone. I won’t even be able to be mad at her for the years she left me alone. Again mind blowing.
Ryane and I always talked about how the worst thing that could happen was if the other died. That we would crumple. The world would collapse around us. But here I am. Living it. And the world doesn’t collapse. It just keeps going as if nothing has happened. Keeps moving. I have too as well. Whether I want to or not. The world doesn’t take breaks. And if I want to live it to the fullest as Ryane did, then I can’t either. I just have to fight through, and be stronger than I thought I was. Because I know there is a plan. That God has a plan, but I just don’t see it. And now Ryane does.
**If you were wondering about the title, this was an affirmation written especially for Ryane. I found it very fitting and badly ironic all at the same time. I am still wondering what the plan is.
***This is also my favorite picture of her. She was on retreat with me at Purdue.